


My Heart's a battleground

by leighwrites, tinyarmedtrex



Series: Land of Rarepairs [14]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: College AU, F/M, SECRET SANTA TIME YO, alcohol is present, angsty angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 04:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17053016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leighwrites/pseuds/leighwrites, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex





	My Heart's a battleground

Ben Hanscom had liked Beverly Marsh since he was thirteen years old; since the moment he’d moved to Derry and spotted her sitting in the middle of the classroom, with bright red hair that cascaded down her shoulders and a smile that was warm and encouraging. He’d spent their teenage years buying postcards and writing poetry on them; sliding them through the slats in her locker. He would see her take the postcards from her locker and read over them, a smile on her face as she tucked them into her notebook and moved with a bounce in her step for the rest of the day.

His mother had always told him he had the romantic heart of a poet and that one day there would be a girl who would come along who and appreciate it. Ben disagreed with her. Who could ever appreciate  _ him _ ? He was larger than most of his friends, and he’d had it constantly drummed into his head that image was everything.

So Ben never told Beverly that the postcards in her locker which brightened up her days were all from him, and he watched from the sidelines as Bill asked Beverly to their senior prom and Beverly eagerly accepted and the two of them made the transition into becoming a couple. Ben stopped writing the postcards for her out of respect to her new relationship, and life moved on right into college.

“I’m fuckin’ telling you, college will be the death of me one of these days, Haystack.”

Ben looked up from his architectural notes and across his dorm to where Richie was sitting on his bed in a chaotic mess of textbooks and paper that were piled around him almost like some kind of an educational nest, a barely functioning laptop in front him which he was aggressively tapping the keys on because he kept refusing to let his parents buy him a new one now that he was an adult. 

At a younger age, their whole group agreed to attend the same college. And while the promise had been kept, Ben had always assumed that Richie would have roomed with  _ Stan _ because Stan was his best friend and that was how this worked. Richie had surprised Ben, slinging an arm around his shoulders with a grin, placing one of his sloppy kisses to the boy’s cheek before asking if he wanted to share a dorm with him. 

It wasn’t what he’d expected at all. Ben had been sceptical about the arrangement at first, but it only took a month of rooming with him to see that Richie had calmed down a lot since they were teenagers, and sharing a dorm room with him had allowed the two of them to become closer friends than they’d already been.

“What are you struggling with  _ now _ ?” Ben set his notebook aside, fully ready to help Richie with whatever his problem was.

Richie waved to the book that propped open next to the laptop, resting against one of Richie’s many notebooks. “It’s this fucking psychology work, Ben. It’s like it’s in another language or something.”

Ben looked at the book in question, raising an amused brow. “You  _ do  _ know that’s your languages book and not you psychology book right?”

Richie paused for a moment, staring at the book with tired narrowed eyes behind his glasses before reaching out and slamming it shut with a huff. “Right. I totally knew that.”

Ben let out a laugh, grabbing his notebook again and watching Richie out the corner of his eye as he grabbed the  _ right  _ book this time and propped up against the closed languages book. Richie often worked himself to death with his college work, so it was not surprising that he was way too tired to pay attention to what books he was looking at.

There was about five minutes of silence between them before Richie spoke up again. “Hey Bennyyyy - Haystack, light of my life -”

“I thought that was Eddie?”

“I - first of all fuck you, you know he’s the chaotic whirlwind of my life. Anyway, the others were talking about getting together at the end of the week at the bar as a kind of celebration of finals being over for Christmas. They insist you come with me because you keep avoiding our nice little get togethers.”

Ben chewed at his lip. “Richie you know I can’t -”

“ _ Ben _ . They miss you.”

“Eddie saw me just last night.”

Richie huffed. “I’m not talking about Eddie. Mike and Stan miss the hell out of you too. Beverly does, I know she does, and so does Bill. Look, I know its hard for you, I know how you’re feeling, but you can’t just… lock yourself away from us. You need to get back out there. You’ll never move on if you don’t try.” 

Ben didn’t know how to tell Richie he  _ couldn’t  _ move on. Whatever feelings he had for Beverly weren’t just some childish crush. Instead, Ben relented with a sigh. “Okay, fine. I’ll come with you.”

“Great! And if it gets too much, we can leave.”

“Richie you don’t have to -”

Richie raised a hand to silence him. “I absolutely do. If you’re going somewhere  _ with  _ me, and you’re uncomfortable, I leave with you.”

Ben appreciated Richie more than he’d ever know because he could always count on him to be there when it mattered, when Ben  _ really  _ needed someone. Richie had become a constant pillar of support in his life, and it was so  _ weird  _ to him because Ben had always assumed that  _ he  _ was the one who filled that role.

Beverly was a lot smarter than what her friends gave her credit for. They never once accused her of being stupid, but her level of perception was vastly different to what they had thought it was. She had known that every postcard in her locker was from Ben no matter how hard he’d tried to disguise his writing from her, and it was no coincidence to her that the postcards had stopped once she’d started to date Bill and that Ben suddenly engrossed himself in work.

She had talked to Mike about it a few times, sitting on the bed in her dorm while they studied for one of their classes with Stan hovering over them to make sure they didn’t overwork themselves. Mike was perceptive too. Beverly’s eyes lit up whenever she talked about Ben in a way they didn’t when she talked about Bill, and it was clear to him that Beverly was forcing herself to stay in a relationship that didn’t make her happy because she was  _ too nice _ .

Which made her perfect for Ben.

“Honestly, Bev, Bill’s my friend but if your heart’s not in it you need to just end it.” Mike said during one of their study sessions, idly tapping his pencil against his notebook. “Then you could be with the person you  _ want  _ to be with.”

Beverly paused in the middle of writing, glancing up at Mike. “I can’t just break it off and then get with his friend, Mike.”

“So now what, Bev?” Stan asked, leaning back the bed so his back pressed against the wall, raising a hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. “You just stay with him for the rest of your life despite the fact that both of you are  _ clearly  _ strained from this relationship?”

Beverly bit at the inside of her cheek with a huff. “I don’t like this double teaming me thing.”

“We’re just looking out for you both, Bev.” Mike assured, reaching over the space between them and squeezing her hand. “We’d tell him the same thing.”

It had been a long time since the seven of them had been together all at once. The bar just off campus was surprisingly packed with people who were most likely celebrating their freedom, and Richie was bouncing through the crowd just ahead of Ben before he stopped with a grin and reached back for Ben’s hand, tugging him through a small throng of people to a semi-circular booth where their friends were sitting.

Ben was already regretting the decision to come here. He hadn’t wanted to be subjected to Beverly and Bill being wrapped in each other. He focused on where Stan and Mike were sitting instead, Stan with one hand on the table that was linked with Mike’s, the two of them in a deep conversation about something. Eddie was sitting on Stan’s other side, near the edge of the booth where Richie and Ben could easily slide in.

Richie practically rocketed into the booth and swept Eddie up in his arms, showering him in kisses before releasing him and patting the bench next to him for Ben. Ben slid into the booth and Eddie pushed a bottle of cider towards him.

“It’s been a while since we were all together like this.” Stan said, idly stirring the straw in his drink. Ben wasn’t sure what the drink was, but it had a soft blue colour to it. “Where’ve you been hiding, Ben?”

Ben struggled for an answer but Richie grinned, slinging an arm around him and ruffling his hair. “Ben’s been all about the books. He takes his education  _ very  _ seriously unlike the rest of us.”

Typical Richie. He always had his back.

It was about halfway into the night when the happy mood had shifted. Bill and Beverly had gone to get the round of drinks, but neither of them looked particularly happy when they returned. Bill placed bottles and glasses down harder than he intended, sometimes spilling some of the contents, and Beverly looked livid; as though she were seconds from snapping and punching someone in the face.

She downed her drink quickly, slamming the empty glass down before reaching over Bill who had slid back into the booth for her jacket and purse, shoving them on forcefully and storming off. Bill made no attempt to follow her and Ben downed his own drink before leaving some money with Richie for the next set of drinks and sliding from the booth to follow her.

He found Beverly just outside of the bar, jacket wrapped tightly around herself and a cigarette in her hand which she was furiously smoking.

“Bev? Are you okay?”

Beverly took a long drag of the cigarette, inhaling sharply before letting the smoke drift slowly from her mouth. The silence settled in and for a moment Ben thought he wasn’t going to respond, that she didn’t want to talk, so he turned to leave; stopping when Beverly finally spoke up. “We broke up. It’s stupid… I don’t even know why I’m mad. It’s not like I really wanted to stay with him, you know? I care about him but I don’t  _ feel that  _ anymore.”

“I could be something he said.” Ben suggested, stepping closer so they could have a little more privacy from the other people who had braved the cold to smoke. “What actually happened? You went off to the bar laughing and joking and came back like this.”

Beverly dropped her finished cigarette, stomping it out with foot before grabbing another from her pack and lighting it. Ben hated it when she was stressed enough to the point of chain smoking like this. “He said that during all of my study sessions with Mike and Stan he was hanging out with that Audra girl  _ getting to know her  _ and that he likes her.”

“I get it.” Ben leaned back on the wall behind them and Beverly turned to face him, a questioning brow raised. “You’re not angry about the break up itself. You’re angry because you feel betrayed due to how it was handled. It’s okay to feel like that Beverly.”

“Is it? Because it feel like… I don’t have the right to feel like that. It’s like… I got what I wanted and I’m not allowed to complain about how I got it.”

Ben frowned, his hand twitching at his side. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort her. “Bev - you  _ do  _ have that right. Remember it’s not  _ what  _ happened but  _ how  _ it happened.”

She beamed. “Thanks Ben. You always know how to make feel better. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She dropped her cigarette to the floor, slowly crushing it under her foot. 

The comment made his heart soar. He leaned in slightly so he was closer to her, trying to give some weight to his next words. “Bev you deserve the world, you deserve all the happiness that you can stand- and someone who makes you feel like you’re unstoppable, not someone who tries to contain you.”  _ Someone like me _ , he silently added. 

She turned to him, a smile playing on her lips. “You always know just what to say Ben.” He could smell her breath - cigarettes and alcohol. The closeness made his heart hammer. It had been a long time since he let himself be this close to her. He wouldn’t let himself near while she was with Bill. It would only have lead to more heartache. Her voice had dropped slightly, like what she was saying was just for him. “What did I do to deserve you?” She asked, resting her fingers on his cheek. This was his moment, he knew it. 

Leaning in he kissed her, her lips were warm and soft against his and it felt like home. Years of waiting and it was finally happening. He couldn’t believe it. 

Until it wasn’t. Far too soon, Beverly was pulling away from him, wiping her mouth and looking shocked. “Ben! What are you doing? We’re friends! I just broke up with Bill! You didn’t think-” She huffed, unable to explain her indignity. 

He was horrified. Beverly was irate, angrier than when Greta had purposefully ripped her dress at prom. And it was directed at him. She’d never been mad at him. At Bill, sure, or Richie - even Stan. But never him. It broke his heart. 

“Bev - I didn’t - I wasn’t!”

She shook her head, her jaw set. “Don’t. Just, fucking  _ don’t _ .” She turned on her heel, walking back inside. 

Ben didn’t bother trying to follow.

\---------

Word spread quickly among the losers about what happened. Bill wasn’t talking to Ben, he would just glare angrily when Ben entered a room. Stan and Eddie were clearly disappointed but not saying anything, just giving him pitying glances. Richie and Mike were trying to be on his side but were confused by what he had done. He didn’t blame any of them. However anger or disappointed they were he felt it three times more. He couldn’t believe what he had done, what he thrown away. 

But the worst was Beverly. She wouldn’t be in the same room with him. He would enter and she would just turn and leave, sometimes mid-sentence. As far as he knew it was the longest that any of them had gone without talking. A permanent pit formed in his stomach, growing every time he saw Beverly - or the back of her. He couldn't believe how badly he had messed up - not only any chance of being with Beverly but also one of the best friendships he’d had. And possibly 6 others as well. 

He didn’t know why he had done it. He thought that he felt something that night, Beverly was finally single and they had been alone. Kissing her had felt so right and then the next instant everything had crashed down. What he had done was sickening. Ben wasn’t an impulsive person, he didn't act on his feelings, he had a lot of practice on that. And the one time he did, the one time he thought he should just act, he had fucked everything up. 

It was so easy to see that now, to know how dumb his action had been. More than anything he wished he could go back and fix it. It was so obvious now, Beverly would never be interested in him. He understood that, he just wanted his friend back. 

He did what was easiest - he avoided everyone. He stopped eating lunch with them and going to study sessions. Richie was the hardest but he managed, only going to the room to sleep or change clothes. It was lonely but Ben could handle it. He had done it for years before he met the losers, he could do it again. 

It lasted for two weeks, two long week full of self pity and regret, until one day he entered his room and saw four people in it, all sprawled on various surfaces. 

“What are you doing?” Ben asked, already turning back to the door. But Stan was already there, standing in front of it and shaking his head. 

“We’re sick of this.” Eddie told him, sitting against Richie on the floor. Everyone nodded. 

“Sick of what?” 

“You! This! The fucking moping. Bev won’t talk to any of us. You won’t talk to us.” Richie told him. “It’s bullshit.”

Ben didn’t reply. What could he say? He looked down at his shoes, feeling four sets of eyes on him. 

“Ben you messed up, but we still love you. Bev still loves you. Just apologize to her and things will be fine!” Mike said. There was a chorus of affirmative sounds.

“Then things can go back to normal.” Stan added.

Ben looked up at them, shaking his head. “You guys don’t get it, do you? I don’t want things to go back to normal. I’ve loved Bev for years and now she knows it! How the fuck am I supposed to just go back to normal with her?” He hated how pitiful he sounded, especially in front of his best friends. All the years of pining and trying to push down his feelings finally caught up with him. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He sniffled, trying to hold back tears. 

As he did Ben felt a hand on him, then several more. He looked up and saw his friends, all standing near him, eyes full of love and compassion. “Want a hug?” Eddie asked. Ben nodded and felt arms circle him, holding him tight.  

Something clicked then. Ben had always known that he had the best friends, he loved them with his whole heart. But it never occurred to them that they loved him just as much. Maybe that was stupid but Ben had accepted his place in the group - the latecomer, the interloper - but for the first time he thought that maybe they loved him just as much. 

“I’m sorry.” He finally said, trying to look at all of them. “I messed up.” He was apologizing not just for the act but for avoiding all of them. It wasn’t who he was. 

“A little.” Stan said, always one for honesty. “But we’ll always be there for you. No matter how much you fuck up.” 

“But you do need to talk to Bev. We miss eating dinner together.” Mike said.

“I will, promise.” Ben paused. “What about Bill?”

“I’ll talk to him, he’s already taking Audra out on a date on Friday.” Eddie said, rolling his eyes. “He’ll be fine. He’s just being dramatic.”

Everyone nodded, then insisted on all going out for pizza. Ben felt better than he had in weeks. 

The next day he walked to Beverly’s dorm, pacing outside for nearly ten minutes before finally knocking. Stan and Mike had offered to go with him, to soften the blow, but he knew he had to do this on his own. He heard someone get up and the door opened. Beverly was in her study outfit - sweatpants and a tank top. Her hair was in a messy bun. She looked gorgeous. 

But her face changed as she saw Ben. “What do you want?” She asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“To apologize.” He said frankly, hanging his head. “I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t - I wasn’t thinking. I messed up. And I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to add, he didn’t want to make excuses or pretend that he didn’t know what he was doing. Beverly would see through that anyway. 

He waited for Beverly to react, to say anything, but she didn’t. Finally he looked up at her, trying to read her expression. 

“Come in.” She said, ushering him in and shutting the door behind him. She sat on her bed and motioned for him to take a chair. “I’m not really mad at you anymore, I got over it a few days ago.”

Something in Ben unclenched and it felt like he could breathe again. “Oh?” He said but she wasn’t done.

“But what you did was shitty. We’re friends and I had just broken up with my boyfriend.” She fixed him with a stare until he nodded. “So why, I want to know why you did it.” 

He paled. He hadn't been expecting that, to have to explain himself. Feeling a blush spread across his cheeks he shrugged. “I was drunk.” 

She shook her head. “No you weren’t. Tell me why Ben.”

A strangled noise escaped his throat. He shook his head but Beverly just looked at him, waiting. “You know why.” He said, not looking at her.

“I don’t.” 

“Because of those postcards back in high school. Because of all those times you fell asleep on me. Because of all the inside jokes and laughs we shared.” He sighed, looking at her. “Because I like you Bev. And you were finally single and I just thought-” He shook his head. “But I was wrong. I get that. I hope you still want to be friends.” There it was, laid bare. He could only hope she was willing to accept his apology. 

She stood, walking over to Ben. “Ben I don’t want to be friends.” Ben’s heart broke but he forced himself to nod, promising that he’d accept what she wanted. 

Her next action confused him. She took his hands. “I want the more too, I felt all those things. The looks you talked about, everything. But-” He caught his breath as she paused, barely believing that this was happening. “I’m not ready for any of that, not now. I don’t know when I will be. And I don’t want you to wait for me. I’ve been Bev and Bill for so long, I want to be just Bev for a while.” 

Ben nodded, then swallowed. “So, maybe one day?” 

She laughed. “Maybe, one day.” 

He was willing to wait for that. 


End file.
